Hardened

That seems to be a good word to describe how I have been recently. I am not longing for touch or softness as much as I used to, my hands are not smooth. They do not caress others to soothe their pain or lift their spirits. I once did a story about my healing hands. It was filled with ideas of how I could hold the cracks together within my self and fill those in others. That I could stop the pain from ever hitting, that I was a unbreakable shield. These hands are marked and worn from the trials. They grab hold of others and drag them back up to the battle lines as I stand ready for war. I am different kind of warrior now, I fight against the demons at the front. No more standing back trying to survive the injuries, take em in and bury the cause instead…
My breathing comes measured and calm. I have let go of the panicked gasps that would leave me helpless looking for answers. In its place is a surety that I got this, I have stability, and my footing is solid.
Being alone is no longer unbearable.
Being hurt is no longer crippling.
Being strong is doable.

Life is good.

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The Shine

I just had to write this down because its something that I often forget to dwell in or even think about until after its gone. I want to call this the “shine”. I feel like every person can relate to this feeling, when you realize how insanely good life can be to you. I had this tonight when I went for a shower after finishing a several episodes of a Netflix show, a day at work, and saying good bye to my partner and metamor this morning as they adventured out of town this weekend. Today wasn’t a spectacular day, there were a lot of parts to it that could have brought me sadness. I had this moment though after such a regular day, a moment of pure happiness that this is my life and I don’t want to change any of it. I spent days, months, years of my life thinking “things would be better if…” or saying “it could be better…” stuck in that mindset that I needed more, I deserved more, and that I have earned more in life. Holy fuck am I glad that I have grown out of that behaviour. I used to walk around with so much anger and shame that I couldn’t appreciate anything, I couldn’t even believe that people cared about me. Yet today my heart is unburdened, I embrace the man I am and have learned to live with my errors, and accept that I will make more. I relish that I may have reached my limit for what I can do in any given day, and I don’t have to do anything more. I bask in the honest and loving connections I have built and nourished in my life, regardless of the time constraint on getting to pursue them.  I am shining, my spirit is so full its bursting out of me. These moments I feel as though I am dreaming, and the tangible sensations of reality make it even more dazzling to be part of. My eyes are clear, my mind is easy, and my heart is pure.

How do you shine?

-Lil Makoons

2018 Coming Up

Another year has opened its pages to be written on.

I look forward to this year. Many things have gone well over the end of 2017 to prepare me for a healthy start to the new year. I have begun my quitting of smoking and survived day 1 smoke free just a day after the new year which is great for my track record with quitting. I have a wonderful partner and the building blocks for new friendships to emerge in the fledgling state of the year. I have sought steps for battling my mental illness early and often to avoid disastrous slumps in the deep freeze. Pending tomorrow my work will be permanent unlocking vacation and sick days for me to spend taking care of myself and spending more time with those I cherish.

Many wonderful things are in the works and on the horizon!

I look back at 2017 and some of the things that will not follow me forward. Most notable is the 12 step rooms that sustained me so well in early sobriety. The same fickle friendships I struggled to maintain while drinking and using followed me into the rooms. In my times of greatest need I could not rely on them to provide the support I desperately needed. All the right words were said but none of the actions followed them through. The atmosphere also changed in Toronto, with every meeting being so large it was even harder to break into the core members and stay close. Along with the rooms I have been on the fence about partaking in Kink. An idea I will hold onto and explore more in the coming times. Lastly I am leaving behind my excuses in 2017, my life can change with work and I can live with the mistakes I will make.

To new memories and stories!

Holidays

For many years the holiday season was always a low point for me, just another dreary season to try and survive. I drank myself stupid during this time, I lay in bed for days on end waiting for it to pass, I worried myself sick over every interaction that I had to be involved in, and I never saw any light. This is also the time of year I tended to end up in the hospital. I hit my lowest weight of 115lbs requiring treatment just to maintain my normal bodily functions. I ended up trying to end my life and faced 2 weeks in the mental health ward. This is when I commonly overdosed or got alcohol poisoning. The history of this time is not one I look back on fondly.

In recent years this has begun to change, the mountain of despair is slowly eroding, becoming a tall hill. It is still a challenge to climb, but it is not hopeless, it is not a impossible task anymore. This is in large part to the work I have put in and the people who I have surrounded myself with. They have done more to add happiness and joy to this season than I could ever imagine. From the starting of a book exchange tradition within my family by my boyfriend, to celebrating the solstice amongst chosen family. The pattern has changed, I look forward to sharing space in good ways, and I enjoy love in these days now. I receive and give it as freely as I can and the difference is astounding. I could not conceive the idea of liking the holidays, I never had people filling my spirit with good energy before.

This may not seem like a drastic change for most, for me it is. I want to continue bringing light into the dark season, and showing appreciation for those that share life’s journey with me for the whole year. I am so grateful for these people, the ones that think of me when I don’t think of myself, who come to my aid when I am overwhelmed, and who show patience for the mistakes I make. Honest two way friendships and relationships have molded my life in a way that I never knew could exist. Every effort I make to have plans, support, and love are reciprocated… this lesson will stick with me.

I may never get to a point where this time of year is exciting and a downhill sleigh ride, but I can now see the sun over the hill. I am proud of that, and in coming years I may turn it into a mound, and then a hurdle. For now, I am content as I make strides up this hill alongside some of the best people I have had the pleasure of meeting, and my love whom I can’t thank enough.

To those still facing that horrifying mountain, chip away, break it down as small as you can and keep moving forward. Sit on the mountain and wait for it to pass if that’s all you can do, climb as far as you can if you have the strength, but do not stop trying. Every time do something different, try a new thing, you never know what change may start a ripple effect. As I explore new ways of healing I can only gain more tools to face the challenges of each season, dulling the sting of winter’s bite.

Lil Makoons

Self Doubt

There are times in my life that I have to push through… that no amount of kindness, support, love, or energy can help me in, often times these shows of compassion exacerbate the problem.

I have made and will make many mistakes in my life, which I beat myself up with relentlessly.

This has happened to me again, I have been swallowed by the demons of my mind.

I have become trapped into believing I am the total of all my mistakes, that I am a manipulative person who is only capable of hurting others… that I am best to be alone due to my character defects. I have become disbelieving of the affirmations and praise others give to me, instead feeling guilty that others see good inside me when all I feel is unworthiness and shame.

I nearly hit the self destruct button… I nearly gave up on a life of happiness and succumbed to the misery I have been deceived into thinking I deserve… I almost believed I was a toxic presence in the lives of those around…

This is a lie!

I do bring joy
I do give and receive love
I grow as a response to the mistakes I make
I am more than just my wrong

This is just temporary.
The up is just around the corner.
This life I have is unbelievably good right now.
Push past the hard stuff…

I have a wonderful boyfriend who doesn’t always know the battles he helps me in. A radiant light at the end of a broken muddy uphill climb. I have friends that think of me when I forget to check in, a new person who scares me to death with how intense I feel when we are together, I have family who wish me well and want me to succeed, and I have a burning desire to be better each day I rise. As heavy as I feel, as dark as my thoughts are, and as self hating as I am right now… I’m doing it better than the last time. I am still going to work, I am still finding ways to smile, and I will find my worth again.

I acknowledge the way I am feeling, and I will shed these shackles.
I am going to be okay…

 

Self Reflection

It is often dangerous to look too far into the future, or dwell too long on the past. Recently, I have had the unfortunate experience to do both. It has been difficult, and not something I would recommend for anyone that has struggles similar to my own. I was in a position to be working overnight shifts, which I thought were going to be a nice relaxing change of pace for me and fuel my ability to socialize. This was not the case… it ended up taking over my weekends, and isolating me during my days off. I have been sleeping away the most active hours of the day and being most alert between midnight and 6AM. I have had a hard time reaching out to anyone as I am worried I will interrupt their sleep or be an inconvenience. It is also difficult to schedule activities in those times as well. I have found getting myself out of bed to be like moving iron, and messaging on my phone to be near impossible. My thinking has been a downward spiral over the last week, plaguing my days with crippling levels of anxiety and ideas of self harm. I am safe and I am okay. This I know to be true, this rough patch blind sided me as I was feeling confident and comfortable with everything going on until I woke up from a dream in sheer panic. I have yet to be able to shake that feeling, and only with effort will I be able to do so, writing some of it down is just a step.
I have a lot of things going well for me at the moment. My job is good and I enjoy the people I work and the environment. I am still clean and sober, there have been many times where the easy tool of substance coping has crossed my mind but never managed to find a hold. For this I am very grateful, my ability to face the tough times without relying on substances is a strength I never thought I could possess. I have love and support in my life. My boyfriend is so good to me and stands firmly by me through this, as well as managing his own struggles. We are resilient together, and I am so thankful we build each other up in tough times, or restack pieces that may have fallen out of place. The transition to Toronto happened, it has been hell and that is normal. Surviving that is an accomplishment, and managing to cope in some way is impressive. I also have opportunities galore this summer, both inside the city and beyond it. As long as I am willing to commit to putting myself out there to change the fear, sadness, and loneliness I am sitting in right now. The hold it has on me right now is strong. I will break it, I have before and with the tools at my disposal I know I can.
Small steps.
Tonight is acknowledging the problem whole heartedly, now I begin working a solution.
Sending love to all those that will help me in this and all those that already have in their own way. ❤
Lil Makoons

Breathe

Life is changing constantly around me, every day has brought new joy and new challenges. I am currently missing out on an event filled weekend because of my schedule change. It is killing me, my friends and loved ones are all in the city making memories and I have been stuck at work missing it or too exhausted to participate. I had days off this last week and realized for all the time I have been in Toronto I have yet to make any new connections. I am craving the network of people I left behind in Barrie. Even if I don’t hangout with them I’d just like the option. I spent a day with my boyfriend and the joy it brought was beyond words. We shared happiness, love, and support for our separate struggles. It was pure heaven to have that and I could not have asked for more, he brightens every corner of my soul.

 

I see photos and posts of all the wonderful things people are doing thinking why am I not there? Am I so scared to put myself out there? Have I become too comfortable in my loneliness? Or am I just depressed and not recognizing it? I honestly don’t know the last time I checked in with myself… everything has been a blur lately, moments rushing by so fast I can’t hold onto them. Time has been of the essence and filled with a lot of mandatory actions, only now am I getting a chance to breathe. I need to take this chance.

Step back.

Inhale.

Exhale.

What do I need?

*draws a blank*

“Fuck…”